Revisiting

This week I returned to something familiar, this old blog of mine. I read old posts, and reminisced. I thought about the past few years and all the twists and turns it brought. I thought about the woman I am now, I thought about the dreams I had when I was so much younger, you know those high mountainous goals. I thought by 40, I would be married, house, kids..raising a family, working hard.

I had another birthday last week, another year gone and those dreams of yesteryear are becoming but a distant memory. The dream of teaching, the dream of a good marriage, the dream of travel.

Instead life through me a few curve balls, you know the kind, that no one sees coming.

There was the rape, and the miscarriage.
There was a short marriage.
There was the fire.
There was the hurricane.
There was the cancer.
There was job losses and gains over the years.
There were 14 moves.
There was a daughter bullied so badly she ended in the hospital.

There was so much one could call it craptacular.

There were also friends found in each location who became my steady rocks.
There was a place to lay my head each and every night even when I was homeless.
There was food always.
There was the blessing of having a beautiful daughter.
There is the job I have today.
There were skills learned along the way.

I have learned you can make the best of plans, dream big, and all of that, but what you do in the small moments is what counts. It is what you do when life throws you that curve ball, because each of us will have our own.

My dreams of yesteryear may be gone, but what came along the way, the hard times, and the blessings along the way have made me who I am right now in this moment. I'm learning more and more about life in the moment. I am learning about faith, about the simple things that can bring the most joy. I have become a woman of strength, a woman who is content, and still optimistically dreaming, because the craptacular will come, but the biggest lesson learned it will also go.

Emotion

Have you ever just wanted to curl up and have a good cry?

That has been me this week.

So many emotions have been weighing heavy on my heart.

When my brother in law lost his father last week I was thrown back in time to when I lost my own dad. Even years later I am still missing him. I miss that nightly call. I miss his voice. I miss his sense of humor. I miss drinking tea with him.

Then to top it off my best girl friend found out recently she has borderline stage 4 cancer. She has only a 50% chance of surviving this. She is only 40. This week she shared her fear that she would not make it through this. I did my best to encourage her, to give her strength all the time fearing the loss of my friend. I can't imagine my life without her being a mere phone call away.

Then there has been my Mom who is getting ready for a grand adventure in her later years. She has packed up her home and is moving across the country to be with a man she met online. This brought up many emotions for me as I did that exact thing some 14 years ago. I want to be happy for her but I find it difficult as I know the dangers of picking it all up to start new. I know what it is to move across a country for love. I also know what it is to see it go up in flames all around you.

The other side of mom packing up her place is that she has been giving away many things to us kids. My home now houses my grandfather's waterfall cedar chest, an old picture of my favorite family pet, my grandmother's china and mom's wedding dress( from years ago). There is also a ton of family pictures to sort through. It is like a trip down memory lane. A trip filled with memories bad and good.

I feel drained, emotionally spent.

Then to top everything off this week there are 3 anniversaries, dates I wish were not seared into my mind. the anniversary of my step father's death, my wedding anniversary, and my divorce anniversary. With the memory of each of these more emotion comes tumbling to the surface.

I am trying to deal with my emotions. In the stillness of the night I find it especially hard. So many things weighing on me. Right now it is so hard not to get caught in the emotions. I am finding it hard to be present as my mind drifts to other people and how I miss them, or want to encourage them or warn them. This week I keep having to remind myself to breathe. Have you ever felt utterly caught in emotion?

Quest for the Perfect Leaf

On Monday it was Thanksgiving here in Nova Scotia.
Family tradition is a good fall hike.
We ventured forth looking for the perfect leaves.
The tree on the bottom was our favorite

Fall is Here

Can you smell it, taste it, feel it? Fall is here! Fall is my favorite time of year. I love the colors, the leafs, the crispness of the air. Are you a fall lover?

Nova Scotian Sunset

I love the simple beauty of where I live.
I love the color of the sky at night.
Can you imagine this off your front porch?

What one Does In A Storm

What does one do when under a hurricane warning??

Recently the Halifax area got hit by two storms so what do many of us do?

Go and watch the waves.

We get some wicked white caps right here in the harbour.

Low Tide

Have you ever seen the Bay of Fundy?
This is what happens at low tide every day.

Nova Scotia is known for high tides and low tides.